The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
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