Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
Your presents is requested.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
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