"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
"Reti or not, here I come!"
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