“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Best in snow.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
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