Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
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