Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Having a ball
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
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