What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.

My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

Case in punt

How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.

There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.

I'm snow bored.

When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!

Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.

Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.

A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.

Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Want to go for a ride?

What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.

What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky

Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.

If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.

Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.

Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.

What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!

What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown

Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”

Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.

Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.

Water you doing on [date]?

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.

What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!

What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.

How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.

Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?