Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
We’re in a-green-ment.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
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