"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."

Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.

“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown

“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager

Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.

What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."

Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!

“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”

- Samuel Butler..

How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."

Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.

In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.

I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.

Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.

“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice

I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.

Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.

What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.

You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.

Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.

“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.

He came, he thawed, he conquered.

What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.

I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman

Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.

What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!

Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.

I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.

I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.

Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.

"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West

What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin