What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
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