Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
"I whip my hare back and forth."
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
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