You really mermaid my day.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Seas the day.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Your good seed for the day.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
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