To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
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