Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
That was thaw-some!
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
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