What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
"Bugs and hisses."
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
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