Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Aloha is a soft laugh.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Don’t moss around.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
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