I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.

I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.

I think I found my perfect match

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!

Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.

Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.

Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen

"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken

What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.

What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.

Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.

Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!

What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.

When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.

When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"

What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.

What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.

Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin

Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.

Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?

Things ran more fluidly.

A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic

But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi