Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
I'm snow bored.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Some bunny loves you.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
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