How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
As it snow happens.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
It’s worth a shot.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
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