Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I love you dairy much.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
I'm snow bored.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
You are my butter-half!
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
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