What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
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