You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
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