Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Irish you luck.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Call me on the shellphone.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
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