“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Talk literary to me.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
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