Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!

I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.

“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.

What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"

Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.

How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.

I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.

A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!

You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.

Hope you’re wide open on [date].

What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu

Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.

Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.

Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”

Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.

Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.

My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!