If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
I like long runs on the beach.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
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