Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Talk literary to me.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
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