Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Long thyme no see.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The road to success is always under construction.”
You snow the drill.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
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