What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I like big punts and I cannot lie
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
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