"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
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