Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Let’s take an elfie.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
I like long runs on the beach.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
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