“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
You knead me in your loaf.
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