Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
One trick peony.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I would love to show you first class.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
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