Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
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