What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
You're my purr-son.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
I think you're mer-mazing.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Hello there, how do you brew?
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
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