Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
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