What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"

You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more

I’m very frond of you.

Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken

Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong

Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.

“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.

Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!

What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.

How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.

Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones

Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.

"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!

What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.

What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.

So … do you run here often?

What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.

"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.

What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.

What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.

What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.

It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.

I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.

Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.

How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.

“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner

How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.

Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.