Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Pugs and kisses.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
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