What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
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