Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
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