What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
You're such a TEAse.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
"On cloud wine."
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
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