“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

- Sam Levenson

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.

People are always after me lucky charms.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.

Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.

Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."

I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.

What month always asks questions and permission?
May!

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin

"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.

I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau

The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.

Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.

My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

Kicking Baby Considered Healthy

What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.

Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!

What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

Fall makes me g-leaf-full!

My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.

When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.

Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.

It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.