"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong

You’re the gravy to my turkey.

You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.

What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.

Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.

I’m elf-taught.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.

"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.

Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.

Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.

“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon

Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.

I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!

Can you drive my car?

In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown

Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!

"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.

I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.

Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.

My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.

What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation