Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I “lub” you.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
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