I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.

When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."

Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin

What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.

What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!

What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.

Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Your pace or mine?

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.

What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.

My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.

“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”

- Adam Smith.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey

Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.

I Tour de Francy you.

Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.

Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.

Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.

Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.

Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.

What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau