"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Don’t moss around.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
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