Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My weekend is fully booked.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
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