What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
I can sea clearly now.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Witch you were here.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
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