I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
We like to paddy.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Leaf me alone.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
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