Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Snow on and snow forth.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
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