Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
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