"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Want to see the real coming attraction?
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I love your energy.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
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