King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Can I be Candide with you?
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
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