"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant.

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.

This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.

What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.

“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith

Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Tex.

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

You look a lot like my next victim.

What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.

There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”

Winter is here, weather you like it or not.

Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.

Give me your number so I can make the call.

He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.

Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.

What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!

You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.

Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.

"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"

What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.

Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.

Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry

A router and a modem got married.

They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.

Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.

What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.

What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

How about we get down to monkey business?

What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.

Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.

Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.

"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett

How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.