Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Case in punt
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
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